


all the times i said your name

by emeraldsapphic



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2019 Formula 1 Season, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, Kinda?, M/M, Mentions of Violence, more like max trying to deny his feeling for daniel for 3k, neck kisses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26953189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emeraldsapphic/pseuds/emeraldsapphic
Summary: “Daniel.” His name jumped out, furious, desperate.Max was on fire. The silence ignited his nerves. Shaking his pride, forcing him to say one thing, among all of the others left unsaid.“Leave.”And Daniel did.He left.And after all, Max couldn’t blame him, he had asked him to.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 18
Kudos: 120





	all the times i said your name

**Author's Note:**

> the devil works fast but my maxiel-shipping hands work faster.
> 
> a maxiel podium after too long, and of course they just have to be dorks about it :,)
> 
> a huge thank you to lauren, hope you like this!

He hated that stupid grin.  
The grin everyone liked.  
The grin everyone seemed to worship.

It annoyed him to no end.  
He annoyed him to no end.

 _Daniel._  
His brain spat out his name, gritted and harsh. Angry.

He was always happy. Always. It was disgusting to watch. Sickening. 

How could someone possibly have so much positivity in them?  
It seemed fake. It should have been fake. But it wasn’t. And the fact that the Australian wasn’t putting on an act, as Max had once thought, angered him even more. If it had been an act, Max would have probably applauded him. That would have been smart, really smart. But Daniel’s attitude wasn’t a show, a brilliant pr-stunt, it was all nauseatingly real.

Max was sure Daniel farted rainbows and sweated sugar.

He was glad they didn’t spend any time together anymore, the teammate-bond forever broken since the Australian had backstabbed his team.  
Since his teammate had left Redbull.  
Since Daniel had left _him._

He really was glad, because he wasn’t sure diabetics could be formula one drivers, and he was definitely sure high doses of Daniel could cause hyperglycemia. Daniel was too sweet.

Max was bitter. And he liked being bitter. He liked leaving a bad aftertaste on people’s tongues after they talked to him, or more frequently about him.

Daniel was walking sunshine, blinding everyone with that stupid grin of his. Stupid shining teeth and stupid smiling eyes.

Daniel was as bright as summer. 

But thankfully Max was immune to the sun.  
His pale white skin a symbolic, yet accurate representation of the way Daniel’s cheerful attitude _definitely_ didn’t touch him.

Definitely.

Because Max didn’t hate spending his evenings in Monaco avoiding the sight of that one balcony he used to laugh and dance in.  
He didn’t miss the funny memes he’d receive at 2 in the morning.  
He didn’t miss trying not to laugh at whispered jokes during meetings and getting scolded by Christian for it.

He _didn’t_ miss Daniel.

Max chuckled out loud.

How could he miss someone who pretended to be his friend, called himself his best friend, and then just left with no explanation?

Max was furious.

_“Why are you running away?” From me, Max didn’t dare add._

_“I am not running away!”_

_“Then why did you not tell me?”_

_Silence.  
The lack of sound burned on Max’s skin._

_“Leave.”_

_“Max.”_

_“Daniel.” His name jumped out, furious, desperate. Max was on fire. The silence ignited his nerves. Shaking his pride, forcing him to say one thing, among all of the others left unsaid.“Leave.”_

And Daniel did.  
He left.  
And after all, Max couldn’t blame him, he had asked him to.

* * *

The first race of the season was the hardest. New year, new season, and a new car to test.  
But most of all, it was Australia.

And Australia meant _him._

It was hard enough having to see him at all, but having him be the center of attention was even more infuriating and painful.

Mostly painful.

The race was frustrating. Frustrating to be in, that is. Max knew fans loved unexpected winners. 

He could have gotten P2, but he had fucked up on turn one with just eight laps to go. He could have gotten Lewis. He knew he could have. DRS was just insight.  
But he had choked. He had failed. And he could hear the voice of his father echoing in his ears. 

Max’s breath stuck to his throat.

_“Max, what happened?”_

_He couldn’t breathe, let alone form a sentence.  
His hands still lingered on his neck  
A phantom.  
A livid neck. _

_“Maxy, what happened?” His voice was so soft and concerned. Max felt it ringing sweetly among all the chaos Jos had left in his brain.  
Daniel gasped when he saw his neck.  
“Max, please, breathe. Calm down, Max! It’s okay now, he’s gone. I am here with you. He won’t hurt you again. I won’t let him.” _

His limbs still lingered around him.  
His lips still stained his forehead.  
His words still burned in his heart.

Max wished Daniel had not lied to him that night.

* * *

Daniel had lost his front-wing at the start of the race. DNF for Renault. Christian was probably pleased. Max wasn’t. He had tried to be glad, to be happy that he had failed, but he couldn’t.  
He couldn’t be his bitter self. Something was stopping him.

His eyes.

Their eyes locked on the way to his garage. He looked tired, he looked disappointed, angry. He felt his pain. He caught his despair through the buzz and chaos of a post-race paddock. Max saw nothing else except him. He forgot his podium, he forgot where he was.

 _“Daniel.”_  
His name slipped out, small and tired. Unconsciously.

Daniel didn’t stop. He walked away.  
Max’s heart sunk.  
Maybe he hadn’t heard him, Max had whispered after all.  
He shook his head, trying to prevent the tears from escaping his eyes. No hope. He was bound to be burned if he let his heart hope.

Daniel hated him, and he hated Daniel.

* * *

He didn’t hate Daniel. He couldn’t. He had tried to hate him multiple times.  
Max had tried to convince himself. He thought it would have been easier, to think the hurt in his chest when he laid on his bed restless at night was anger.  
It had been for a flash. Just half an hour after Daniel had left that night, months before. Then sorrow had taken over, and Max was left breathless many nights from tears and loneliness.

He had left for Australia for Christmas. That had made it easier. Slightly.  
Max felt like he could reappropriate his own house. Marking his territory. Getting it back from the enemy.

But Daniel wasn’t the enemy.  
Not sweet Daniel that had held him during his worst nights.  
After DNFs, after his father attacked him for them, after all the denigrating words, after all the bruises and scars, sweet Daniel was always there. 

Daniel would lay down with him, keeping Max between his legs, with his head on his chest, and he would caress his cheek to calm him down, he would kiss his temples to stop him shaking, he would kiss his eyelids to stop him from crying, he would sing him to sleep.

Daniel never failed to make Max’s life less bitter, more tolerable, less hard to digest.

But while Daniel had left, his father had not. And Max had risked choking on the bitterness too many times.

* * *

He was finally going home. As usual. His safe little place. No matter how close it was to him. Nothing, no one was going to ruin the comfort of his own home. 

It was supposed to be easy, going back home and shutting everyone and everything out.

It was supposed to.

He wasn’t supposed to be sitting there, by Max’s door, with his hoodie up, his head back against it, eyes up to the ceiling.

Max’s knees trembled. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi.” Max wasn't sure he had even heard himself.

“Sorry, I should probably move.” 

“Oh. Uhm. Yeah.” 

Daniel got up and awkwardly moved to the side, his hands buried in the pocket of his hoodie.  
“Sorry, I will- I will go.” Max's anxiety softened a bit when he heard Daniel just as nervous as him.

“No. I- Do you want to come in?” He tentatively offered.

“If you don’t mind.”

Why was Daniel acting so shy all of a sudden? This wasn't Daniel Ricciardo. He didn't feel, look or sound like the Daniel Ricciardo he knew. But maybe Max didn't know him at all.

He remembered a softer side of Daniel, one he had seen on his worst nights, the one that took care of him. But this Daniel was different, it reminded Max of himself.

Daniel had taken a part of him when he left. Max thought that small part might have infected him, poisoned him, broken him apart.

Max knew Daniel was better off without him.

"Uhm, sorry. I'll go, you must be tired."

"No, Dan. Stay." His nickname somehow hurt less than his full name.

Daniel helped Max with his suitcase, the latter muttering a small thanks before locking the door behind him. 

They looked at each other and Max couldn't keep his mouth from talking.  
“I am sorry for Australia.”

“It’s okay. Not your fault. Congrats by the way.”

“Mh.” Something stopped Max from thanking him. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but why are you here?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought you kinda asked- I mean I thought you wanted to talk, back in the garage. Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have.”

So he had heard him after all.

"Why did you leave?"

“I was late for the media.”

“No, I meant- Why did you leave? That night?” 

_Me. Why did you leave me, Dan?_

"You asked me to,” Daniel replied. And he was completely right, Max knew.

"Why did you leave the team, then?"

Daniel closed his eyes and sighed. "You must know why, Max."

"I-I don't know. I tried to figure it out. People said you were jealous. Were you?" 

"Yeah, honestly I was. Christian made it clear. You were the golden boy. The next big champion. I had no place in a team where I would have been number two. You know I am better than that."

“But you could have talked to me! I could have spoken to Christian! I could have fixed this.”

“I would have never asked you to, Max. How could I? What a selfish bastard would I have been if I fucked up your relationship with the team for my own benefits.”

“I would have done it for you.”  
_I would do anything for you._

“That’s the problem, Max. I know you would have. That’s why I never said anything.”

They were still standing. Somehow they had gotten closer and closer.  
Daniel slid his arms around Max. It was natural. It felt natural.

“You weren’t there,” Max whispered.

Daniel just inclined his head. He was lost.

“He came back.”

Suddenly Max felt Daniel’s arms go rigid against his sides.  
He saw him step back and almost cried at the look on his face and the sudden lack of contact.

“Oh my God, Max.” 

“You promised.” Max’s voice cracked. He wanted to slap himself. He wasn’t going to cry. Definitely not in front of Daniel. And he wasn’t going to whine and complain. Or place blame on him. Daniel deserved better.

But he couldn’t stop.  
Daniel had caused a puncture, and everything was spilling out.

“When he came here, I was so sure you’d hear. I waited for you to come and-” _Cause I am weak and helpless._

Max didn’t realize he had started crying in the middle of it all.

“But you didn’t come when he pushed me to the ground. You weren’t here when he- when I-” Max could hardly breathe.

He didn’t notice Daniel’s tears. 

“I am sorry, Max.”

“I blacked out. Doctors said I was lucky I didn’t suffer any brain damage. They wanted me to press charges- But the press- I couldn’t-”

“I am so sorry, Max. I- I should have been there. I should have done something. I let you down, I don’t-”

As soon as Max realized what Daniel was saying, what he himself had implied, his stomach turned. He didn’t want to blame it on Dan. It wasn’t Dan.  
His heart broke at the sight of Daniel sobbing and stumbling on his words.  
He couldn’t resist the urge to bury his head in his chest.

“Please don’t blame yourself.”

“But Max, you just did.”

“No, I am sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I am sorry. It’s not your fault.” He wrapped his arms around Daniel. Somehow the gesture reminded him of his father. Imploring forgiveness.

“But it is.”

“It’s not your fault. I am an asshole for even implying that. I don’t mean it, really. I am sorry.” Max tightened his grip around Daniel. 

“Max, it’s okay, stop apologizing.” 

“S-” Max sighed. “Okay. But I was an asshole to you that night. You didn’t do anything wrong. I mean- You weren’t the one to do this. You left because I asked you to. It was dumb of me to expect you not to respect my wish.”

_Even though I could never actually wish for you to leave._

“If you hadn’t asked- I don’t know. I was scared, Max. I was scared and I acted like a coward, that’s why I left. I should have insisted.”

“Scared of me?”

“Scared of _things_ .”

Max was unsure of what to think of that, but he nodded anyway. “It’s in the past anyway. You’re here now. That’s what matters. Right?”

“So you forgive me?” Daniel asked, anxiety rising in his voice again.

“There’s nothing to-”

_“Max.”_

“Okay, okay. I forgive you.” 

Daniel pulled him closer, burying his nose in Max’s hair.

“Can I see?” His question was small and soft, almost as small and soft as Max usually felt around him.

“If you promise not to blame yourself.”

“You already forgave me, didn’t you?” Daniel tried to crack a joke.

Max shook his head laughing.  
He lowered his collar and sighed when he saw Daniel’s grin falter and his eyes widen in horror.

“Oh my God.”

“Don’t freak out.”

Max saw it coming but couldn’t help shiver when Daniel touched his neck.

“Oh my God, Max. I don’t know why I did that. I am such an idiot.”

“No, it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. It’s nice. You’re nice. You’re not him.” Max admitted as Daniel started carefully running over each scar with his fingertips.

“I am sorry if I hurt you.” 

“You’re _not_ him,” Max quickly insisted.

Daniel nodded, finally taking his eyes off of Max’s spotted neck.

“I should have told you I was leaving.”

“Yes, you should have. But that’s fine. I know I probably would have been a brat about it anyway.” Max laughed and smiled again when he heard Daniel chuckle along.

Max studied the look in his eyes. He always saw something different when he gazed at them.  
He couldn’t quite place what was different at that time.  
Daniel looked tired. No, he looked exhausted. But there was something else in there. Something Max was scared to admit to himself.

He held Daniel’s head. Caressing with his thumbs the cheeks in between his hands. Max liked seeing the softer side of Daniel. It made him feel less weak. If strong, lovely, sweet Daniel was sometimes tired or, God forbid, sad, then so could he. Right?  
He pushed aside his father’s voice in his head retorting aggressively.  
Instead, he looked at Daniel again. Right in the eyes.  
He couldn’t stop himself from pulling him closer and closer, wrapping his arms around Daniel’s neck, while Daniel moved to rest his temple on Max’s shoulder hugging the Dutchman even tighter.

“Max,” Daniel breathed out. 

Max shivered once at the sound of his voice, then twice when he felt Daniel’s lips on his neck.

_“Daniel.”_

His name dripped out like honey. Sweet and fluid. 

He never opened his eyes. He couldn’t see Daniel’s eyes widen, suddenly terrified of what he had done, but Max knew. Max knew Daniel. So he let his head fall back a little, eyes still closed, hoping that Daniel understood.

And Daniel did.  
Because he knew Daniel. But Daniel also knew him.

Max’s breath hitched again when he felt Daniel going back to the same spot he had kissed before.

Ambrosia ran down his neck.

Daniel kissed back in place the spots his father had carved out.  
His love and care filled in the holes left by anger issues and hatred.  
His sweetness made up for all of the bitter words his father had left engraved in his mind.  
Daniel’s careful fingers ran up and down, diving themselves between his neck and face. 

Max couldn’t help but notice how different, how nice it felt, for once, not fearing someone’s touch.  
He couldn’t stop comparing Daniel’s extremely delicate touch that _cared_ for him to his father’s vengeful and aggressive hold that had left him breathless for almost too long a few times.

It took a second for them to gather the courage to look at each other.

And, since he knew any form of speech wasn’t going to come out of his mouth soon enough, Max couldn’t do anything else but smile, trying to reassure Daniel that it was fine. They would be fine.

Daniel’s eyes shifted to his lips as soon as he understood the nonverbal exchange.

Max felt his lips tingle just at the sole thought. Adrenaline ran down his spine. The anticipation was torturing him, killing him from the inside out.

He gazed into Daniel’s eyes. They were of the darkest shade Max had ever seen.  
Dark and hazy.  
_Warm._

Max was sure his own pupils were just as enlarged.

He saw Daniel getting closer and closer until his eyes closed on their own, and Daniel’s lips met his.

His brain ceased to function.  
Max melted in Daniel’s arms, desperately grasping his face as if scared of him possibly leaving.

Daniel sensed the urgency, the desperation in the kiss, and pulled him closer. He held his waist, his hold firm but delicate at the same time.  
A silent confirmation he wasn’t going to let go.  
But the Australian knew a voiced one was long overdue.

“I am going to keep my promise from now on, Max. I swear,” he breathed out, looking at him in the eyes, their lips almost brushing each other as he spoke.

Max’s breath hitched again as he breathed in, letting the words sink. He couldn’t speak, his brain not allowing any form of speech. But he also couldn’t hide the smile threatening to appear on his reddened lips at the realization he’d be safe.

He’d be okay.  
He was safe with Daniel.  
Because Daniel made life sweeter.  
Because Daniel made life tolerable.  
Because Max loved his sweetness.  
Because he loved his stupid grin.

_He loved Daniel._

**Author's Note:**

> feedback always helps! :)
> 
> find me on tumblr: [@racinglesbian](https://racinglesbian.tumblr.com/)


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